Sprinkles... Watch Out!

So I am not much of a baker. Don't get me wrong, I like to cook, but baking is just not my thing. Well, my best friends daughter is turning 8 and she is having a Spa Birthday for her and I said I would make cupcakes and help her with the party. So for a test, I made them for the Couples shower we had at our house last night. I was a little nervous, but I followed a recipe, made homemade buttercream icing and piped it on! Here is how they turned out:
Everybody said they were delicious (hopefully they were not lying) so I think that I am going to be OK to make them for her 8th Birthday!

Today I went to a baby shower for a friend who is having a girl. This was my first shower/baby experience since "the loss" and you know what? It did not even phase me. I am really glad, too. I did not want to become that black cloud that gets sad and depressed when others are joyful. Lori is such an amazing human being and has had struggles of her own and I could not be happier for her. I am just really glad I feel that way! The shower was at a house in Piedmont, a town west of OKC, and it was very nice. I forget how much I love the peace of the country until I get out there. Then as Magan and I were leaving, I started to remember how far away it is from the city, how the roads were not paved, how I am sure there are wild animals, and realized I am not cut out for the country life. It sure is beautiful though. Their backyard was amazing. It really was a nice time.

I am counting down the minutes to go eat dinner! I am starving and my husband's little brother and one of his college friends are over and are going to go out to dinner with us. The only consolation is I have to wait until the end of the golf tournament that they are watching. I watched the OU/UNC game with them and got disgusted. Blake Griffin was the only player playing today, and if the rest would have played, we COULD have won! Poor Blake, I felt bad for him.

Last night at the Couples shower we had, all of my doctor's staff were there and have completely convinced us to try IVF again. We are on board 100%. The next round, if we can figure out somethings, will be in June. We will keep you posted! ~Amy

GREAT day!

There are 2 reasons today is a good day and I am going to share them with you!
(1) We finally found something for our kitchen wall! Hooray!! Here it is:

(2) I made a delicious strawberry sorbet, and for those who know my daily struggle with making homemade sorbet, you will appreciate the fact that one actually turned out and it was so good! Also, I did not have to purchase the Kitchenaid attachment for my mixer! So, long story short, I am sharing the recipe:

5 cups of strawberries, 2/3 cup of sugar, 2/3 cup of water and 1/4 cup of fresh lemon juice

Blend the strawberries in your blender until smooth. In a saucepan, bring sugar and water to a boil and cook until sugar is dissolved (about 5 minutes), cool slightly. Add this mixture to the blender, add the lemon juice and blend until fully mixed. Pour the mixture into a freezer container and freeze (at least 6 hours). Before serving let it set out for about 30 minutes and then blend mixture again. Serve with a dollop of whipped cream! *I personally think that you could reduce the sugar, it was a little sweet for me, but regardless, D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S!

Anyway, I hope everyone has a safe weekend and try to keep warm in the snow storm!

~Amy

P.S. Happy Birthday Travis!!

I Love Oklahoma Weather!

We love Bradford pear trees, the only problem is they are killing my husband’s allergies! He has been sneezing, coughing, etc… for the past 3 weeks! I have affectionately coined Edmond, Oklahoma, “Bradford Pear City.” There are at least 12 on each block!

We have been so busy preparing our home for the wedding shower we are hosting Saturday night, that our life has consisted of painting, cleaning and emptying boxes! Last night we painted our guest bathroom gray and that was a HUGE nightmare! The bathroom is not that big, so I was excited thinking that we could get it done by 8(ish) and call it a night. Here is a question for you all…. Have you ever had to paint behind a toilet? I was so angry by the time it was over that I proclaimed the next house we buy, we are hiring professional painters (Yes, Russ & Sarah, we should have listened to you)!! Also, if anyone comes over and uses the guest bath, please don’t look behind the toilet!

With that said, my question is: How am I going to host potentially 60 people at my house Saturday night with it being 30 degrees and snow on the ground? I doubt people will want to go outside!! I love Oklahoma weather! Only in Oklahoma is it 75 one day and 30 and snowing the next!

Now, focusing on the important thing – trying to have a baby! I talked to my doctor, ad nauseum, about what went wrong. Unfortunately, she cannot figure it out either. We, collectively, have decided that something was not right with my embryos. There is really no other reason it did not work. She did notice that my Estrogen was low for the number of eggs I produced, so next time she wants to double my dosage. This is not news to me, as I have heard so many horror stories about women during hormone treatment going literally crazy, and nobody in my family thought I was that bad. To be honest, I felt quite nice (except for the headaches and heat flashes!) So, needless to say, I think that we will try In-vitro once more before we go down the adoption path, I am just not ready to give up on one day being pregnant.

Before I get off of here, I need to understand the obsession with Facebook. I know that Oprah is now on it, so the world will follow, but is everyone else on there too??

~Amy

So Thursday rolled by and the three things I had to look forward to were the huge TV lineup tonight, the NCAA basketball tournament, and spending some one on one time with Amy. The last few days have helped Amy and I become more and more open to adoption, if that is the route we end up going. Hanging out with our wonderful friends and their children has let Amy and I know that more than anything we just want to be parents.

Sunday we hung out with the Brinlee's and their son Mason. Mason is at an age where the simplest things in life give him the most pleasure. He is so much fun to be around. Monday night the Parsons stopped by with their two daughters. It was the first time to see little Alivia since she was a newborn and Ava had grown up so much it was amazing. Wednesday night we had Scott, Neilly and Henry, who was crawling all over the place, over for dinner. It was also a night to celebrate because we found out they are expecting their second child. They were waiting to tell us due to everything that was going on with us. It was thoughtful for them to think of us and we are happy they decided to tell us. Although things did not work out for us, we don't want people to think that they cannot share the joys in their lives due to what has happened.

I am looking forward to the weekend. Tomorrow night Amy and I will be at the Oklahoma Museum of Art viewing the documentary "Crips and Bloods: Made in America". Saturday we are headed to Watonga to spend some time with my family. It will be nice to get out of town for a little while. Not much else seems to be going on. I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Z

Watching My Life Go By

We have had a busy couple of days and they all seem like a blur. I am feeling as if my life is a movie, and I am watching it play out.

My husband had a small medical procedure on Friday and I found out that my husband + pain meds= bad news. The nurses were laughing because they barely gave him any medicine and he was acting like a total mess! He was so out of it! I could not help but laugh as well. He looked like he was as high as a kite and slept the whole way home. It was hilarious. The good news is everything is OK. He is doing great. That night our friends Jarrod and Magan came over for dinner and we hung out watching old home videos that Jarrod and my husband made on a fishing trip they took. Jarrod, our resident life saver...(he is a vet and had to leave our house to go save a dog)... and my husband did a home movie project on their 2004 fishing trip. Magan and I were laughing like, seriously, would we have married them if we saw this first??? Then it hit me, I DID... at least Magan is in sound mind. It was pretty hilarious.

Saturday we went shopping for our house. I am having the WORST time finding something for our kitchen wall. It is so large and rectangular and nothing is working. I keep finding stuff and when I get it home, it gets lost in the wall. So, needless to say, another failed Saturday. We did paint our living room. That was something we accomplished. It is a dark golden-khaki-yellow. Make sense?

Sunday we went with our friends to Pops in Arcadia for breakfast. I have been dying to go there. It was so cute, I am glad we went. Then Hilary and I went shopping, again another failed mission for the wall, and Jeff, my husband and Mason had a "boys" day at Home Depot. Hilary saved our life because she edged our whole entire bedroom for us (now olive green). I am the worst at edging and I hate taping before painting. She is really good and saved us from me being in hysterics and my husband being up all night cleaning up after all my mistakes. Patience... that is something I REALLY need to work on.

Why am I blogging at 1pm on a Monday? Well, that is because I could not force myself into work today. Thank God I work for the state and have a ton of leave. Yesterday was a really hard day for him. Yesterday was the day when it all came to a head. Seeing Jeff and his son brought up all kinds of feelings that he had not processed. Seeing him sad, of course makes me miserable because I know that this is all my fault and I cannot fix it. This is the latest feeling in my emotional roller coaster. I wish I would have known about my problem before he asked me to marry him so he could have made the decision if he still wanted to marry me. Yesterday we had a long, sad, angry, emotional conversation where he told me that all he wants in his life is me. As desperately as he wants to be a parent, he would not want to experience it with anyone else. I totally believe him, but the underlying guilt is almost intolerable. It is not a guilt that he has placed upon me, it is all self created. I am not sure that I will be able to get over this until he has a child in his arms that he can call his. This is the worst feeling ever. It is hard to even explain it. I know I am probably rambling right now through my tears, but this is my therapy. So anyway, for now if everyone will just pray that I can find some inner peace, I would really appreciate it.
~Amy

I think that I am back to normal!

Today is the first day that I feel good, and I can honestly say that I think it will stay this way. I did not make it into work, but I am going tomorrow.

Here is what I accomplished today, and I am not sure if it is overwhelming. I started doing this because I thought it was so neat, but now I have so many pictures, I am not sure. I love nostalgic pictures of our families and decided to create a wall (now 2) of them. I had it up this weekend, but did not have it just right. I am proud to say it is completed, but now if I don't like it, there are TOO many nail holes to take it down. Here it is (in our formal dining):

Ignore the buffet, we are still working on that. My husband wanted to blog tonight, but then remembered that the OSU basketball game was on, so maybe you guys will here from him later this week. I am ready for March Madness, because I beat everyone based on the team names. For instance, I SMOKED everyone (men and women included) a couple of years ago because I loved George Mason. - No, I know NOTHING about basketball and I cannot stand to watch it until this time of year!

Here are the exciting things in my life that I am looking forward to... (1) My coworker is having a baby in May, and we are planning her baby shower. It is a boy and I am PUMPED! You know how I like to throw a party and everyone in my life recently has had girls! Also... (2) I am hosting (not by myself, just using my house) a couples shower at my house on March 28th! That means time to get the house in order ASAP! That is exciting for me because I love a party planning project! I think that we are also going to have a housewarming party on April 17th (also my birthday) to give back to our friends who have been SO wonderful during this whole experience!

Keep your calendars open!
~Amy

I need some Pep in my Step

I hate being on an emotional roller coaster. Sunday I was pumped and ready to get back to my life, and then Monday I woke up in a daze. Yesterday was a weepy day and I could not force myself to get back to work. Apparently I was a hot mess alone, because my precious husband showed up at about 2pm and worked from home. Just having him near me made all the difference. As soon as he was here, I was OK. Last night my mother and grandmother came over to see our new sofa. I imagined it being so much larger in our room than it is, so now I need to add something to this living room. I swear when we bought this house, we were SO concerned about our stuff not fitting in it, and now we need to add more! We watched Dancing with the Stars and I really don't like that show at all. It is almost torturous for me to watch it, BUT since there are now 3 ex-So You Think You Can Dance stars on there, I am in 100%. (You all know I watch reality TV shows targeted for the 19-24 age range.)

So everyone has been asking about the clinic that I went to and why I did not go to the Bennett Fertility Clinic at Baptist. Well, I really like my doctors office and their staff. The nurses are amazing at their jobs as well as being "humans." I can tell they truly care about us and our lives. They were always available for questions and don't mind taking time to answer a question that they have answered 1,000 times before. Here is the kicker though, just so everyone knows, I did check in with the clinic at Baptist, and they informed me that they will NOT take me there. They do not perform PGD and they do not send it out anywhere either. They referred me to a doctor in Dallas and told me to go there. Not that they were unwilling, they were VERY nice, it is just that the lady I spoke to told me that in 22 years, they have only had 1 case similar to mine and it is just too expensive to handle here. Why is it that Oklahoma is only 1 of like 10 states that cannot handle this process and why am I like 1 in 80,000 that have to have it done? Is this a sign from God that we need to move or maybe adoption is for us?

So, I am home from work again today. I need some pep in my step. I just do not want to go to work today. I work with 300 people and probably 299 know I went through in-vitro and I do not know which ones know what happened and which ones don't. Yes, I know I have a childish mentality right now and I just need to go face the music, but I DON'T want to talk about it and most importantly, I DON'T want to be a charity case. There are plenty of people I work with that are so sweet and I know that they truly have a broken heart for us, but I almost want people to just ignore it. I know when I return to work I will have 1,000 emails, 1,000 phone calls, 1,000 IM's and I don't want the pity party. My administrative assistant sent everyone she could think of an email or told them personally, but I know there are some people that she does not know who knew. I just don't like being the center of attention in situations like this. I am going to force myself to go in tomorrow.... I promise. My office is great though, they told me to take the week and not to worry, they will cover everything. I cannot do that. It is day two and I am stir crazy. This is why I think that I might not be a good stay at home mom. That is what my husband wants me to do, and I probably will, but I need to have a sense of personal accomplishment. I am NOT saying that stay at home moms don't, because I know it is a 100% full time job and a very honorable one, but I think it just might not be for me. Who knows. Have I mentioned that we have thought about becoming foster parents?

Anywho... here is another question people have been asking me. Yes, we are going to keep the blog operational, because the title is "Creating the Bradt Family" and we have not accomplished that yet!!
~Amy

It's Time to Bathe

Today I feel a little better. My husband's mother and aunt came in for lunch and we had a nice time. We laughed, which is something that I haven't done since Thursday night. I also ate some chocolate...whoops. I am sure God is OK with that. I will start back with my Lent devotion tomorrow.

I have been in a depression, I have had a dark cloud over my head and I refuse to live like this. My husband and I have decided to go through In-vitro again. We will save the money and as soon as we are able, we are going to try this again. My mother-in-law said that she handles stress/grieving the same way. In order for me to get over something, I have to have a plan of action. We have talked about it and decided that we want to do this again. We will find a way to do this. If I have to sell my wedding ring, all my china, and my designer purses I will do it. It is worth every penny. I always told my husband that I would marry him with a $100 ring from James Avery and I meant it. Maybe it is time to "walk the walk." I will have to give up my lifestyle that I am used to and adjust to being frugal! We WILL do this and we WILL be happy with ourselves for the decision we have made. The earliest we can do this again is in May.

Thank you everyone who has called, emailed, sent cards, sent flowers (again...Tammi and Amy - you are amazing women and we are BLESSED to have you in our lives) and prayed for us. We could not be luckier people. I truly mean that. We have amazing people in our lives who care about us and the beautiful thing is we knew this before the sadness that has occurred which means more than words ever will.

I can see a light at the end of my tunnel, so now it is time for me to bathe.

~Amy

Anger Management Needed

I think yesterday we were still in a state of shock. This morning I woke up, cried, and then decided how unbelievably angry I am. I am angry at the geneticists who told me that a large percentage of my eggs would be normal (only 4 in 15 were). I am angry that all the medical professionals told me that this would work. I am angry at God for giving people who abuse, molest and neglect children the gift of being a parent and we would be great parents and have suffered so many losses. I am angry at mothers that I see out in public who have children in diapers only with matted hair and snot all over their faces. I am angry at the number of children in DHS Child Welfare because people are too selfish to take care of their responsibilities. I am angry at drug addicts who cannot put their children before their habit, but can have children like there is no tomorrow. I am angry that in-vitro is so incredibly expensive when logically there is no reason that it is. I am angry that health insurance does not consider this a medical problem, so I have to pay out of pocket. Or, is it that if the health insurance does pay for it, the doctors will not be happy because of the standard write off? Isn't that what everything is about these days? Money?

I guess that I am following the Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief. I have been through the denial thinking last night that there might still be a chance, knowing it is impossible. Now I am angry. VERY ANGRY.

I am sorry that I have not returned anybody's phone calls, but I cannot talk to anyone right now. This is the only way I can express myself and deal with this ridiculous tragedy.
~Amy

$21,000.00

Well, for those that have not heard, things did not go as planned. We are NOT pregnant. We are devastated. I found out today at the OKC Junior League kitchen and literally fell to the floor. The only thing that I could think of is, "How am I going to tell my husband?" My husband was in a deposition today and did not find out until 5pm. I found out at 3:15.
You know the weirdest thing? I prayed and prayed for a miracle to happen. When I heard the news, I sobbed like a baby (and to be honest, still am) but after about 1 hour I just knew there was a reason. I knew that for some reason God did not want me to be pregnant right now. As weird as this sounds, I think my Faith in Him has become stronger. I know that we will be parents, maybe right now is just not the time.
We have to move onto "plan B" the problem is, we don't know what that is.
So, nonetheless, I leave you with this... (1) What do we do? (2) How are we going to come up with another $21,000.00 so we can try this again?
~Amy

TOMORROW IS THE BIG DAY!!!!!!!!!

So I am freaking out a little bit, I am not going to lie. Let me tell you the things in my life right now that are getting me through this:

1. Toddlers & Tiaras. Has anyone seen that program? Not to offend anyone, but I think that pageant moms might need to be arrested. Yes... there IS something wrong with a 7 year-old getting a spray tan. Also, the bigger the bow and hair accessories is NOT always better.



2. Anoop from American Idol. Has anyone seen him? Z loves him. We are watching it right now to see who goes through as "Judges Choice." Anyone with an Indian descent that can sing My Prerogative by Bobby Brown, and sing it decently, deserves a second chance!



3. My husband, because he is precious and he rocks my world.



4. My hilarious co-workers. I worked with some "Fab-A-lous" women who crack me up every minute of the day.



5. Last but not least - my mother. She is about the only person who can understand what I have gone/am going/will be going through. My mother had 7 miscarriages, some late into her 2nd trimester. Fertility problems suck! Those of you reading this who can get pregnant on a whim, remember how fortunate you are.

I will let everyone know tomorrow how it goes. I figure if I am pregnant, I will be SO elated, that I will probably cry and want to immediately shop for the baby (and of course start thinking of nursery ideas). If I am not pregnant, I will probably cry and then shop for the best bottle of wine money can buy and have a pity party in my backyard. I am so blessed to have so many great friends who want to hang out if it is negative, so I am not alone, but for once in my life I think that I will want to be alone.

PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY!
~Amy

69 Hours and Counting...

Hello everyone. No I did not fall off the face of the earth, I have been in Tulsa on business. I feel like February 20th-today happened in a matter of 12 hours. It is insane how I have lost track of time. First of all:

Isn't that exciting? We are thrilled. That is a horrible picture, but it is the only one we have. We are moved in! We love our house. Things could not be better as far as that goes. After I had my breakdown, I pulled myself back together and "put my big girl panties on." As my husband and I began to reflect on our life, we realized how blessed we are. I began to make a mental list of things we have that others don't. (1) Great family (2) a Great marriage (3) True love (4) AMAZING friends - We really are lucky people. If this does not work out for us, we will be disappointed, but we will be OK. Back to the amazing friends... we had SO many people come by Saturday to see us and our new house. THANK YOU ALL FOR THE WONDERFUL HOUSEWARMING GIFTS! (You know you will get your thank you from me, but it will not be timely as usual due to me not knowing which box my thank you cards are in). Oh, and Tammi... I will get you!! Now with that said, not that I do not love each and everyone of you BUT we did have a favorite house guest. Being in need of a good laugh, this was perfect:

Look at little Mason! Is that not the funniest thing that you have ever seen? To be his age! He thought that tipping over and over and over in this box was about as good as going to Disneyworld! My husband kept laughing hysterically, to the point of tears, at how his body would contort in the most unusual positions. That made our day! Thank you Mason...we needed a good laugh!

Moving on to the 69 hours... we find out if we are pregnant Friday! I will go in at 9am and then call back in before 4 to hear the results. The results will be ready by 12, but I have a meeting until 3ish. Talk about some stress... Why did I give up chocolate for Lent? Anyway, we had dinner with my nurse and her fiancee last night and discussed what to do. She figured that she would call me during the day and leave a message on my voicemail if I was pregnant. That sounded like a good idea until I thought about it. If she did not call because she was busy, or my blood results were not in, I would be a HOT mess all day. Also, we can "cheat" and take a home test, but we have decided not to. There is a chance of false positive and also I wouldn't be able to sleep Thursday night. What a decision though! I will keep everyone posted!

~Amy

One more thing... Honest Scrap
So my new "fertility-challenged" friend sent me this, and I think that it is a great idea.

Here are the rules:1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. 2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." 3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Here are our 10 scraps:

Amy:1 - I am a sucker for designer purses, and I refuse to buy knock-offs. I feel like I need to buy at least one a year. Next year, it will be a Chanel bag.

2 - I have an obsession with the movie, Twister. (Yes, I know that the acting is horrible)

3 - I have a compulsive shopping disorder, seriously. I buy stuff all the time. I like to buy things for other people and myself. It does not stop.

4 - I get really lazy in the winter and will go weeks without shaving my legs.

5 -I am not as confident as I appear. People always comment how they wish that they could have my strong self esteem, but I am not completely happy with myself and can hardly sleep when people don't like me.

6 - I once broke into my high school boyfriends home. (Yes, Eddie, eat it up). I called him and left an insane message on his home machine and once I hung up I immediately regretted it. Since his parents loved me, they had given me their garage code, so me and my friend Eddie went into their house while they were away and erased the message.

7 - I always pictured myself leaving Oklahoma.

8 - I hate my tattoo and wish I could remove it. What was I thinking???

9 - I truly feel that my husband was meant for me. I honestly do not believe that our marriage could be stronger. God smiles when he sees what he has done with us.

10 - I have an obsession with Sour Patch Kids. I could eat boxes at a time. Oooh, and Peach Rings.

Z:

1. I love reading Harry Potter books.

2. I only like to wear designer clothes; even down to my underwear.

3. Sometimes, if I get a little crazy, I like to rap like Ludacris.

4. I love smoking big, fat cigars.

5. I am too reserved and do not speak my mind enough.

6. I knew Amy was the one I wanted to marry within our first month of dating.

7. I am obsessed with movies, books and t.v. shows about the Mafia.

8. I can watch the same movie over and over again.

9. I really am an OU football fan.

10. I get my nose hairs waxed.

We are now passing the torch to:Blessed Beyond Measure (sorry, we don't have 7 blog friends..)