We have had a busy couple of days and they all seem like a blur. I am feeling as if my life is a movie, and I am watching it play out.
My husband had a small medical procedure on Friday and I found out that my husband + pain meds= bad news. The nurses were laughing because they barely gave him any medicine and he was acting like a total mess! He was so out of it! I could not help but laugh as well. He looked like he was as high as a kite and slept the whole way home. It was hilarious. The good news is everything is OK. He is doing great. That night our friends Jarrod and Magan came over for dinner and we hung out watching old home videos that Jarrod and my husband made on a fishing trip they took. Jarrod, our resident life saver...(he is a vet and had to leave our house to go save a dog)... and my husband did a home movie project on their 2004 fishing trip. Magan and I were laughing like, seriously, would we have married them if we saw this first??? Then it hit me, I DID... at least Magan is in sound mind. It was pretty hilarious.
Saturday we went shopping for our house. I am having the WORST time finding something for our kitchen wall. It is so large and rectangular and nothing is working. I keep finding stuff and when I get it home, it gets lost in the wall. So, needless to say, another failed Saturday. We did paint our living room. That was something we accomplished. It is a dark golden-khaki-yellow. Make sense?
Sunday we went with our friends to Pops in Arcadia for breakfast. I have been dying to go there. It was so cute, I am glad we went. Then Hilary and I went shopping, again another failed mission for the wall, and Jeff, my husband and Mason had a "boys" day at Home Depot. Hilary saved our life because she edged our whole entire bedroom for us (now olive green). I am the worst at edging and I hate taping before painting. She is really good and saved us from me being in hysterics and my husband being up all night cleaning up after all my mistakes. Patience... that is something I REALLY need to work on.
Why am I blogging at 1pm on a Monday? Well, that is because I could not force myself into work today. Thank God I work for the state and have a ton of leave. Yesterday was a really hard day for him. Yesterday was the day when it all came to a head. Seeing Jeff and his son brought up all kinds of feelings that he had not processed. Seeing him sad, of course makes me miserable because I know that this is all my fault and I cannot fix it. This is the latest feeling in my emotional roller coaster. I wish I would have known about my problem before he asked me to marry him so he could have made the decision if he still wanted to marry me. Yesterday we had a long, sad, angry, emotional conversation where he told me that all he wants in his life is me. As desperately as he wants to be a parent, he would not want to experience it with anyone else. I totally believe him, but the underlying guilt is almost intolerable. It is not a guilt that he has placed upon me, it is all self created. I am not sure that I will be able to get over this until he has a child in his arms that he can call his. This is the worst feeling ever. It is hard to even explain it. I know I am probably rambling right now through my tears, but this is my therapy. So anyway, for now if everyone will just pray that I can find some inner peace, I would really appreciate it.
~Amy
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