ANGRY

So since the last post, there has been a lot going on in the Bradt household. Let me start from the beginning. Sunday (after the wedding) we took a pregnancy test and it was positive. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? We freaked out. We were excited, scared, nervous, all of the above. By Tuesday, I started having signs of a miscarriage, so we were on board with what would happen. Shockingly, the doctor called to tell me that my HCG levels were progressing nicely and that so far, so good, reassuring me that some women have symptoms of a miscarriage in a normal pregnancy. So, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday went by still experiencing the same. Saturday night, we went with our friends Jeff & Angie and Eddie to the Lynryd Skynryd/ZZ Top concert. It was a blast, but FULL of the trashiest people I have ever seen (that's to be expected though, right?). We joked that we could one day tell our child that they got to experience that when mommy was 6 weeks pregnant...



Still feeling good, I went to the doctor Tuesday morning and headed to Lawton for my dad's funeral. The funeral was amazing. The church did such a phenomenal job with the Repass, that I can never repay them. High school friends, Norman friends, and people that my dad touched, and I never knew showed up. It was lovely. Between the Mass and the Repass, I had to call my doctor to check on the results. Sure enough, healthy baby, healthy pregnancy! We were SO excited and finally starting to calm down about everything thinking this was going to be our miracle. Right about that time, I started having SEVERE pain on my right side, but thought it was just my uterus or something, and kept on trucking.



Wednesday morning I woke up in probably the worst pain I have ever experienced. We call my doctors office and they told me they could get me in after the lunch hour, but my pain could not wait. LONG story short, I ended up in the ER, and was admitted to the hospital for an ectopic pregnancy. REALLY? Really. Can you believe my luck? How many people can say that during their father's funeral, they suffered from an ectopic pregnancy. We were...are... completely devastated. After spending the night in the hospital, I had two options: 1) Have surgery and potentially lose my tubes or 2)Try a round of chemotherapy shots that will actively dissolve the pregnancy. I opted for #2. So far, so good as my HCG levels are dropping nicely. This has been the most painful experience ever. So painful, in fact, that my husband has seriously thought of getting a vasectomy so we do not have to EVER go through this again.



I know people say that God only gives you what you can handle, but I want to have a one-on-one conversation with God right now to tell him this is all. As mentioned in my earlier blog, I was/am at my limit and now this. This makes me angry. This makes me angry at the world. If it was just another normal miscarriage, we would understand but to have a healthy pregnancy and it just not be in the right place??!?!? My chances of getting pregnant on my own, and having a healthy baby is only 15%. Thanks a lot for making this my 15%. Oh, and the doctor also told us this week that my chances for having another ectopic pregnancy are now 1 in 5. Awesome. RIDICULOUS. That is all I can say about it - RIDICULOUS. So here's to all those horrible Meth addicts that continue to have healthy children that they neglect. (Have I mentioned I am angry?) ~Amy

Fun With Asian Flair

So Saturday night a coworker of mine got married and we were invited to the banquet. She is Chinese, so she decided to do a semi-traditional affair. (I found out the main difference is that she only changed clothes once, unlike a traditional affair the bride changes after every dish.) It was such a great time! It was a sit down dinner with 10 courses! Now, most of you know that I have a fish/seafood allergy, so I couldn't eat any of it, but the presentation was fantastic. Seafood on a potato nest had shrimp, calamari, caviar, etc... There were whole lobsters, duck, and this:



My husband tried it and said it was really good. The whole room was decorated in huge red paper lanterns. I did some research before I went, and I'm glad I did. According to Chinese tradition, white envelopes mean death, so we had to search Hallmark high and low to find a red one, which is a wedding sign of luck!

Look how cute her favors were! Lemon drops in individual jars! (Their colors were purple and yellow)



And finally, the cute props for pictures:


We had such a nice time and it was such a neat cultural experience! ~Amy

I'm Not Too Proud to Say I Need a Therapist.

Something you are never ready for = Losing a Parent. I got a call on Good Friday that my dad had died. As prepared for this call as I expected to be, it has hit me like a truck. I was OK on Saturday and Sunday, but it has been a rollercoaster since then. Some days are good, some are bad. I found this picture of my mom and dad on my computer and was so excited. I love this picture of them because you can see the love they once shared and the excitement of having a baby.



Pretty sweet, huh? His funeral will be on May 17th, which would have been his 68th birthday. We thought that was appropriate... So young. It's funny when you are a child and you hear someone in their 60's died, you think, "Wow! They lived a long time!" But, as you get older, 67 is way too young to die. Cancer is an ugly, ugly thing. So far I have lost both sets of grandparents, an aunt, and now my father to the horrid disease. I hope the pharmaceutical companies can quit being so greedy, and a cure can be discovered soon.

So while we are on a "poor pitiful Amy" blog, I think I am going to go see a therapist. We had a Junior League boatride Tuesday night and a friend asked how I was doing. When I answered, "I'm okay..." she suggested I see someone. Over a glass of wine she explained that being infertile, losing my grandmother, going through 2 failed in-vitros, being in a miserable work environment, suffering miscarriages, working with my ex, and now losing my father in less than 2 years is a lot for one person to deal with. When she laid it out like that, I agree! She is also a fellow failed IVF friend who recently (with her husband) went through counseling and they are now 100% ready to face the world knowing they probably will never have a natural child. It's funny how your mind can be 100% behind something and then one day you hit the panic button. I thought I was completely ready to adopt and that everything was okay, until I heard myself over and over again in the conversation say, "and then, when we get pregnant" or "if we have our own child"... It was then I realized that maybe I am not 100% ready to adopt, but I think through some counseling I can get there. (I would say I am about 85% there right now...) A friend once told me that once you come to terms with the fact that you will not be a natural parent, you are ready to adopt. I need to get there and I need to get there quick, because I am ready to start a family!

Through all of this mess, two fun things occured. 1) We got to babysit baby Peyton again and she is SO STINKING CUTE! She is only 9 months old, and poses when she sees a camera - here see for yourself:



2) Our dear friends Court & Katie got married on the 30th! Such a fun time with fun people. This is the only picture we took, so please don't be alarmed by my psycho-cat eyes, or my husband's unusually large looking head in this picture!


It was after looking at this picture, my husband and I decided maybe it is a blessing that we will not be having a natural child. That poor kid would get nasty, thick, unruly hair and lots of GUMS! Good gosh, look at that picture! Where are our teeth? ~Amy